The Silver Lake Fop

Assorted Adventures

By Sam Mossler

 


The Silver Lake Fop at the Jiffy Lube


Beg pardon, would you by any chance

be the head mechanic?

(pause)

The head mechanic.

(pause)

You are. Very good. I have a small matter to discuss with you. Nothing countervailing, mind you. I am met with a rather vexing problem and my dear sister, Peggy, told me that my only hope for solace may lie solely in the virtuosity of your Jiffy Lube. I'd like to draw your attention to that handsome automobile over there.

(points non specifically off camera)

It belonged to Omar Sharif. I bought it at auction. But that's all superfluous, here's what I'd like to discuss with you. I am having fair occasion, in my relations with my chariot, wherein it will begin to gesticulate as it produces wild jungle compositions from its core. Staccato, tympanic dirges that simultaneously displease my sensibilities and make my lust packages unfurl. Rather like if Rudolph Friml and Tito Puente fought a duel over the love of a hairless Portuguese boy, that's what it sounds like.

(pause)


Not so much a clanging, no...Here, I'll try to replicate it for you:

(he makes awful aural whoopie which evolves into scat singing in which he loses himself briefly)

Like that.

(pause.)

Perhaps it's the transmission? It would mean the whole world to me if you'd take a look at it. Perhaps give it a few stern words. Maybe the car blood on your uniform would intimidate it into aquiescence.

(pause.)


It's that princely brumby over there.

(grimaces)


No, not that abortion!

The next one over. The, um, "'84 Civic" I believe is what you people call it?

(he offers his car keys)

Do be firm. But, prithee, gentle.


The Silver Lake Fop at Starbuck’s


There was a neural carnival of a coffee shop I once visited that was run by a family of hypertrichosists who hail from Cantaloupos , an island in the Aegean Sea.  They had a concoction, I'll tell you...Are you familiar with Cassandra's Pekoe?  Very rare and very potent, and these people would steep it in freshly sourced Palomino sweat and filter it through a thin cloth made of egyptian cotton and childrens' wishes into an ivory chalice.  They would then adorn the steaming beverage with an octagonal dollop of cookie dough frozen yogurt.  It was as if my own childhood had been played in reverse on a large screen before my very eyes.  Accompanied by Friml.  Yes.

(pause)

Would you have anything like that?

(pause)

Quite alright.  Then I'll just have a grande pumpkin latte and one of those humplaturtions.

(pause)

Muffins?  Is that what you call them?  I suppose it's a regional thing.


The Silver Lake Fop makes an Ok Cupid connection


I am humbled and titillated at your viewing my OkCupid profile.  If you are a spicy woman who always avoids contact with abandoned wildlife and speaks in falsetto when she's happy then we could be the next Dr. Jonathan Zizmor.  Or we could even be two separate people.  My friends would describe me as composed, very bossy, good cholesterol, feathered, adorned with many colorful candies and prizes, and a mahogany bedroom set.  I AM NOT YOUR ENEMY!  As so many are.  I'll be out of town for three weeks in October observing shaved Tangierian man-slaves  for National Geographic but otherwise I haven't any conflicts.  Please have poppers.


The Silver Lake Fop prepares for the Daytona 500


To Mike Helton, President of the

National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing.  I am planning to attend your upcoming bacchanalia in Daytona Beach and I was hoping you could enlighten me on a few points before my arrival. 

I do tend to prefer having all my ducks in a row and of similar shapes, sizes, and temperaments.  First, a very basic inquiry, shall I bring my own car or will one be provided to me?  I am happy to bring my own if need be but I am unfortunately unable to paint it any bright colors because it is a collectors item so you may wish to provide me with a brightly decorated loaner for the weekend so that I do not disrupt the pervading aesthetics of the event.  I am also approximately 16% semitic and sometimes revert to the colloquialisms of my people.  I want to make sure that there are no semantic snafus twixt myself and my cohorts so I am providing a list of words and phrases I may use and perhaps you can pass them along so that the other fellows can familiarize themselves with them:

Biali,

bupkes,

mispocheh,

plotz,

gey kocken offen yom,

for this you went to college?, 

A fiddler on the roof.  Sounds crazy, no?


And I hope everyone likes lasagne.  Or la-zog-nay.  I made enough for a veritable army.